Halfway to 90..."Am I Enough?"

Insomnia isn't something that I've had to battle much in my life. I generally sleep through the entire night and wake feeling rested with little knowledge of the 6 to 8 hours spent snoring or dreaming or kicking or tossing or whatever it is that I do in my sleep. I had a bout of insomnia once in my life many years ago. It lasted close to 6 weeks. And quite frankly, I think I'd rather lose a limb than have to battle insomnia. I just can't imagine dealing with insomnia day in and day out like so many people do. I think I'd go insane. So thankfully, I generally get plenty of sleep.

That said, for some reason I found myself in the early hours of the morning of my 45th birthday waking thinking it must be nearly time for my alarm to go off yet glancing over only to find that it was 1:15 am. Disappointed, I rolled over to go back to sleep. But once again at 3:30 I woke. I glanced at my clock and instantly wondered why in the world I had woken again so early in the morning.

Now, I wish I could tell you some amazing story about catching a burglar in the act or discovering a family of real live Smurfs who lived in my living room and only came out while everyone in the house was asleep or catching a burning candle just before it caught the curtain on fire and engulfed the entire house in flames. But nothing like that occurred. I woke. I rose. I ventured to the kitchen and made some coffee. Decaf at this hour...just in case sleep somehow returned to me before waking time. But something unexpected happened during the still quiet moments of this particular morning.

I poured a cup, stirred in some cream, set down in my chair and stared mindlessly while I sipped my decaf coffee. The house was still so and quiet. The kiddos were each tucked away in their beds probably deep into dreams grownups could never imagine getting to enjoy. Their homework was complete. I know because I pulled some teeth the night before. Not literally. If you're a parent, you know what I mean. Their laundry was done. They were safe and healthy and not in need for anything to speak of. They were doing exactly what they should be doing. Not only that but as I looked around my clean kitchen I saw that both of my older teenagers had placed their phones in the kitchen without me having to remind them. This is a big thing because I recently informed them that they would not be allowed to take their phones to their rooms anymore. They weren't in trouble. It's something I started recently as a way of getting us all to be more present in the things that required such and to practice a bit of discipline when it comes to media use.

All-in-all there wasn't much to do at that hour. So I set mindlessly for a bit. I hopped onto facebook. I scrolled a bit until I came across some Filipino comedian frame on that stupid Tiktok reel that facebook handed us all this year. I couldn't resist hearing the joke. So I clicked on it and of course 20 minutes later realized I'd just watched at least a hundred mindless pointless Tiktok videos. So I set my phone down and sipped some more coffee.

Then there was a simple but very pronounced thought that popped into my brain. Preachers might say "Then the Lord spoke to me". I don't recall ever hearing God's voice audibly. It's generally more like a thought that drifts in to my brain and I feel it didn't originate from my own wretched self-consumed mind. The thought was simple. "I'm proud of you".

That's it. Now trust me, that thought didn't come from me. I am generally my own worst enemy. I'm certainly not proud of myself. I have failed too many times at too many things in this life to be very proud of myself or any of my own stuff. In fact, probably the most consistent thing I've been told by those who know me well in my life is "Ben, you are far too hard on yourself. Give yourself a break for those things you can't change."

Nevertheless, I've always been an outside the box thinker. So naturally I think "well just because they think I can't change it doesn't mean they are right. I probably could have done something different, better, more efficient. I could have studied harder, learned more and somehow done more to effect a better outcome." That is my own self-talk. So I'm pretty sure when I heard "I'm proud of you" this morning it was a simple blessing from my Heavenly Father. But more importantly it was an answer to a simple prayer I've been recently asking God.

Then I pondered it some more. A preacher might say "God and I had a conversation". If God and I did have a conversation it certainly wasn't audible. It was more of a conversation in my brain. And it went something like this:

Why are you proud of Noah? (Noah is my firstborn son). Me: There are a million reasons but most of all it is because he is my son. I couldn't not be proud of him. I've seen all that he has pushed through in life and the kid is a survivor and a pretty darn good kid at that. There is lots to be proud of but even if he had accomplished nothing I would still be proud of him.

Why do you love your Noah?

Me: I don't have it in me to not love my son. He is my son. There is nothing he could ever do to earn my love. I have loved him from the very beginning and my love for that kid only grows.

So in other words, you are proud of him and you love him because he is your son. Right?

Me: Yep.

Do you think that you are more capable of love than I am?

Me: Nope

Do you think that you are more capable of Fatherly Pride than I am?

Me: Nope. But....

But what Ben?

Me: Nothing

Do you believe that I created you in my image?

Me: Yes

Do you think that means that I created you to look like me?

Me: Not exactly

What do you think it means?

Me: Okay I get your point. But it is different. I have screwed up so many times in life. I have made bad decisions. I have failed over and over and over. I have chosen what I want over what you wanted. I have....

Son, you are much smarter than this. You have been asking me this simple question and I am giving you the answer.

Me: What was the question? (I knew what it was. He was right. I had been asking the question)

Are you really asking me?

Me: Okay you made your point. But it can't be that simple! You are God and I am just one of 6 billion people....

I don't see it that way. You are my son and you are relevant to me and I am just as proud of you as I am Billy Graham.

Me: I'm not buying it.

You can choose not to believe it but it doesn't mean it isn't true. Do you recall the conversation you had with one of your sons the other night when he was angry and doing stupid things and you were dealing with him but deep deep down your love for him only grew?

Me: Uh how did you know about that?......Oh sorry. That was a stupid question. Okay I get your point.

So now you have to decide whether or not you believe me Ben. I love you not because of anything you have done or might do in the future but because you are my son. I am proud of you. I want a relationship with you.

Let me ask you a question: Do you recall what happened after Adam and Eve at the apple in the garden? What did they do Ben?

Me: They hid?

Right. They hid. Why did they hide?

Me: Because they had shame?

Right. But Ben, what happened after that? Did they try to find me?

Me: Let me go check. Nope.

What did I do Ben?

Me: Uhhhhh...

Ben, I pursued them. That is the type of father I am. But Ben, I won't force you into my presence against your will. I will pursue you but only with a whisper. If you want to know me Ben you have to listen. I won't force you to know me.

I am here this morning only to answer your question. What have you been asking me Ben?

Me: What do you think of me? Do I matter to you? Am I significant to you?

Ben, I am proud of you. Stop trying to make me more proud. You are as significant to me today as you will ever be. Nothing you do or don't do will change that. I just want to have a deeper relationship with this son of mine. Surely you can understand that.

Me: I do but...

But nothing. You asked me and here I am telling you. Question it all you want but it doesn't change. I love you. I'm proud of you. I want to spend more time with you. I know you understand this because I see your heart for your own sons. Just accept it. And one more thing...listen if you want to hear my voice. You're doing great this morning. And by the way...Happy Birthday Son.

That's just about how my "conversation" went in the wee hours of yesterday morning when I couldn't sleep.

The longer I live in life the more aware I become of my longing for significance, approval, affirmation, belonging and sense of purpose beyond that of the day to day mundane of life. And I am beginning to recognize that nothing this side of heaven is sufficient to satisfy that longing. I mistakenly believe "if I could just accomplish this thing" or "if I could just complete that thing" or "as soon as I achieve this level of income" or "when my kids are to this point" etc... "the longing will be satisfied". Yet, each time I reach a new milestone in life I set out to achieve another. And the longing reignites. And what do I do with that longing? I pray about it. "Lord, help me to accomplish this thing." "God, please help me to be more disciplined in this area or in that area." "Jesus, please renew this relationship or that relationship." The list goes on of those things in life that I seek to improve. And while many of those things aren't bad requests in and of themselves I find myself examining what it is that I hope to accomplish in my requests. And I think that I just want to know that I am enough; That I matter.

I'm not seeking compliments. I am not writing this so that "people" will tell me what a great job I am doing in life or what they like about me or envy about me. Nope. I am simply saying that I think I could have my name in lights with 6 billion people in this world recognizing a level of achievement that surpassed any other human and still I would long for something more. It is just the nature of man. I'd think "well now I have to accomplish this or achieve that." Yet when I ask my Heavenly Father and I listen He tells me I am enough. When I turn off all of the noise and pause my pursuits of this world and just stop to listen, the longing of my heart dissipates and realize that my pursuits in this world are futile in my quest to satisfy the longings of my heart.

As I reflect on this in my own life I can't help but think of the passage of scripture in John chapter 4 when Jesus encounters a Samaritan woman at a well. He knows she has been married 5 times and is living with another man. He knows her heart. He knows what she longs for and that she is attempting to satisfy her longings through relationships. He understands the futility in her pursuits. So He tells her about the water she is drawing out "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again. But whoever drinks the water that I give him will never be thirsty again. But the water that I give him will become a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

I am the woman at the well. Nothing in this life will satisfy my own longing. Only Christ. Only listening to my Heavenly Father and believing Him can satisfy the longing. I am enough. Perhaps this year I will listen more. Perhaps this year I will allow God's voice more in my life. Perhaps this year I'll seek to distinguish the noise I surround myself with and replace the noise with the only one who matters. My Heavenly Father. For He says "I am enough".