How to "Show Up" for Your Kids' Even When You've Been Shut Out...Make Them Their Own Website.

Divorce was absolutely the last thing I ever wanted for my family. I didn't want it and didn't see it coming at all. I genuinely believe that "back then" if I would have been offered to have a limb surgically removed in order to keep my family together, I would have done it. I believed in marriage. I believed in the vows and the sanctity of marriage and I considered being a husband and a daddy to be by far my most important roles in this life.

Needless to say, when the kids' mom decided she wanted a different life, I was absolutely crushed. What's worse is that overnight I went from reading Boxcar Children to my kiddos every night, tucking them in, cuddling them and saying their prayers to having to send my kiddos with a mom who had changed everything nearly overnight and a new guy they barely knew.

It was a nightmare for me as a dad sending the kids off with a mom who had become a different person so quickly and an older fella who was no-doubt on his second mid-life crisis and seeking an easy fix.

When the kids would come home they would tell me what mom was saying about me now. I was sick to my stomach. I wanted to tell them she was wrong and that she was lying etc...etc...but I knew that would confuse them even more than they already were. It was all just so so wrong. I was a good dad and I knew it. And I never would have done the things to her that she claimed. But they were 3, 5 and 7 and the time and I knew more than anything that they needed a rock far more than they needed to try to sift through to try to figure out which parent was being truthful.

So I resolved to never give them the simple answers they sought from dad's side of the story that would only cause them to be in a double bind. When they would say "Dad, mom said you did this to her. Is that true?" I would say "Well what do you think? Have you ever seen your dad behave that way to your mom or anyone else?" Sometimes they would press me seeking a quick answer. I didn't waiver. I wanted them to decide. I knew if they got to work through it on their own they would arrive at the right answer. And guess what. They did.

But in spite of the health I was able to embrace for myself during those times, my kiddos were still being forced to go to a new home, with a new/old dude who clearly had no interest in treasuring the hearts of my three children. The ideas they came back with were difficult to overcome. They would go to their mom's side of the family and have huge birthdays and Christmases and get showered with all sorts of guilt gifts. Back then I was penniless and fighting hard to maintain some semblance of normalcy for my kiddos.

The PFA Order (Protection From Abuse)

Some women do need to use PFA orders to protect from out-of-control spouses and significant others. There is a place for them. But in my case they were used as nothing more than to give my wife (at the time) complete freedom to do whatever she wanted in our home with the kids with zero accountability. The first time I was served, I was bringing my kiddos home from Awana's at church. As I pulled into the driveway a police car pulled up behind us and ordered me out of the vehicle and into the back of the police car. My kiddos were so scared. I told them they would be safe and to just go with their mom. She was waiting just inside the door. And as they walked up the drive and I walked down the drive towards the police car, the new guy stepped out from behind the door to watch. It was by far the most helpless feeling I'd had to that point. Long story short, I couldn't go home for 45 days and I couldn't go within a hundred feet of my wife or children. I had nothing but the clothes on my back that cold rainy October night. Wow!!! It takes me to a very dark place just recalling that night. I had my mom go to the house the next day to get my business things and some clothes. When she got back she said that the trash cans were filled with empty liquor and beer bottles.

Preparation for a Long Road

It didn't take long to figure out that this battle was going to be a long long marathon. Her parents had significant means and for a lot of reasons I won't get into at this point, they wanted me as discredited as could be and as far away from their daughter as possible. More significantly, they wanted their grandchildren to be part of their clan. I knew the kids were young enough that they simply needed a rock that they could count on during this time. So what did I do? I faked it. :-) I wasn't a rock. I could barely stand most days. But when I got time with those kiddos, they knew nothing other than that dad was doing great and the storm would soon be over. So I devised my own plan. Don't worry we'll get there. :-)

Cheating Spouses Hate Truth

I quickly learned that the lies and manipulation weren't going to subside anytime soon and the kids were getting it as much as I was. When the kids would go to her house, she refused to let them call me (when she was around) and instructed the sitters to keep me off limits. Funny thing is that they still found ways. I got my oldest a cell phone so that he could always get a hold of dad if he needed to. The next time I saw Noah he said "Daddy, mom threw my cell phone in the toilet". I would send cookies or goofy fun notes to the school only to find that later their mom had told the ladies at the front desk what a bad evil man I was and in spite of their legal obligations, the things I sent often didn't make it into the kids' hands.

Everything took so much time. Court was often weeks away and then when we finally got there it would be continued or the attorneys would get up for two minutes and accomplish nothing. Holy Smokes it was frustrating.

So I Devised A New Plan

One thing that was overwhelmingly clear was that when the kids were with her and “The Pepperidge Farm Guy” (as I called him) they were doing a lot of surfing on the internet and watching lots of Youtube. So they couldn't talk to dad to say goodnight or even ask a question, they couldn't get stuff from dad at school and (at least during the early days) pretty much intentionally contradicted everything I told the kids. I was glad to go about my life but I wasn't going to stop being a dad simply because I had "days off". My perspective was that dads don't get days off, regardless of what The Pepperidge Farm guy was hoping for.

The Website

My logic was that if they had unfettered access to the internet they would always be able to connect with their dad. Sure it may have only been one way but one thing was for certain, they were going to know that regardless of what mom told them, dad was 100% for them, thinking of them, praying for them, making plans for when they were back and protecting them to the extent that I could.

www.noahlizzyisaac.com

So I bought a domain, figured out how to create a basic sight on Wix and began writing to them every day. I put pictures up of what Gracie (Our Family Dog) and I were doing. I shared with them what I was grilling for dinner. I made videos for them nearly daily for a long time. I took pictures of all of the family events I went to and of course MiMi and Grampy and all of the aunts and uncles and cousins would bid their greetings and send their love. The domain I chose was easy to get. I mean, what are the odds that there would be another family with three kids with the same names as my kiddos with a dad or a mom desperate enough to connect with their kids to buy a website? :-) I chose the name because I wanted it to be easy to remember for the kids. I even put a little chat widget on the site so that they could chat with me if needed.

Zero Graphic Design or Technical Skills

It wasn't the greatest site. In fact, far from it. But it didn't need to be designed well or even have a good layout. It just needed to be able to let the kiddos know that no matter where they were or what they were doing, dad was always there thinking about them and doing all he could to be near them.

Now that the kids are older I don't use the site like I used to. It is still up and still active and from time to time I will share wise words from dad in a video or maybe something I come across that seems profound enough to share. I figure one of these days I am going to cease to exist physically in their world. But there will always be a place they can go to get words of wisdom from dad on video or in dad's writings that at least some day they'll be grateful to have.

Other Parents in the Same Boat

I can't tell you how many times I've run into parents who hit rough times like I did with their marriage and wound up with very little to no parenting time. They say things like "But she won't let me see the kids". In my opinion, thats a cop out. Find a way. Get creative. Put up a billboard. If they move out of state, you move. I'm not saying "stalk them". I'm saying DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR KIDS! Find a way to let them know daily that they've got a parent who loves them and will never give up on them. If you don't, the other spouse will write the story for you and it won't be pretty. Your kids will grow up thinking you bailed on them. Don't give them the ammunition to decide that. Show up for your kiddos. Every chance you can. Send letters. If your ex doesn't give them to them, find out who the little old lady is in the neighborhood and send them to her. Just ask her to keep them safe for you for future reference. Buy adds on Facebook and Instagram and blast them out. There are all kinds of ways to connect in this day and age. Don't just give up!!! If you need some ideas, I've got plenty. Just reach out. We'll develop some fantastic creative stuff.